It's okay if no one is listening:)

I am not a very good blogger...obvisouly since who knows how long it has been since my last post. But I have been going through some intense times spiritually lately and I really felt like writing about it so here goes.

We have been living in a desert. My husband told me one night that the meaning of the city we are living in literally means desert and I think it is no coincidence. I don't mean we are living in a dry sandy place I mean that there is absolutely no community, no fellowship. It feels so incredibly lonely here and as I am on the ending of this little journey I think it is right where the Lord placed me because this is how I have been feeling spiritually as well.

We live in 6 acres of beautiful land. The owners rent out the space for wedding because it is gorgeous. When we first moved here I was so excited to be on land and out of the city but as time went on I realized it isn't all its cracked up to be. The city (it actually isn't even a city) we live in only has a tiny post office, a little mart like a 7-11, and a bar. That's it. There is no community. No one works here, everyone commutes. The closest city is 7 minutes away but it is really small (although not as small) and then the next is 15 minutes.

Actually none of this is that important to what I really want to say. So to wrap it up, lets just say I am lonely. My husband has worked soooo many hours this year and was paid for about half of them! Which is stressful in itself but more frustrating was the little amount of time we had with him. Compounded by the lack of community and fellowship I became Lonely with a capital "L".

And in my heart I couldn't feel the Lord. I felt abandoned even though I knew I wasn't. I would read the word and it would be so dry. I would cry out and feel nothing. I would sing and be uplifted for a moment but my heart was the same. Dry, dry, DRY! I would get to a point of desperation and talk to my husband about (more like cry to my husband) and he would cry and pray with me and give great advice which would help for a time but my attitude was just ugly and pitiful.

I began to become angry, especially with the girls. My patience was much thinner and the little things could set me off. I would always feel so bad and of course I would apologize but the next day I would get inpatient again. It was so frustrating.

The best I could describe how I felt was depressed. I hate that word because I don't want anyone telling me that I should go on medication. The problem was in my heart and in my attitude.

I blamed my friends. We were once part of such a strong community that quickly fell apart but I assumed our friendship would remain but even when I would reach out and tell some that I wasn't doing well they just looked at my like that was unfortunate and never pressed the issue. But it wasn't their fault for my attitude. They couldn't change the way I felt even if they did pursue me more.

Then we found out my husband would be transferred to a new job a couple of hours away and we would need to relocate. It is such a blessing and answer to prayer but in order for it to work he has to go out of town every week and work while we stay in the "desert"...alone. The first week wasn't so bad but it got worse. Now I really was alone with the girls 24/7. I love my girls but I was/am desperate for fellowship with other believers! To take my husband away was the last straw. He was the last thing I was holding on to to keep my head above the lonely waters. Now I was sunk.

And I had to reach out to the Lord. Those first couple of weeks did not go well. I am ashamed of the amount of time I spent trying to hide from the loneliness by watching shows and playing games on my phone. I wanted to be numb...but of course that never works. Last week I got so sick of myself and I cried out to the Lord. I thought maybe I should fast media, but then I thought, if I fast (which I have done so many times in the past) all I am doing is avoiding my issue and I will find another way of escaping. And once it is over I will go right back to it again but I haven't actually overcome, just avoided.

So I prayed and asked the Lord to help...and he did. It didn't feel miraculous or anything. He led me to a blog (go figure). The author is a Christian mother I admire and she happened to have been writing lately about her past and some of the hard times she went through. One of her post was called "The Me Monster" and oh man did the Lord convict me.

So here it is... the moment that has changed me. I am selfish and lazy. You have no idea how hard it is to say that. Laziness especially has been something I have despised about my youth and tried really hard to change but ultimately by ignoring it I fell into it one slow choice at a time. My depression was all about me. How I felt, how the kids made me feel when they made yet another mess. How my friends made me feel when they never call. How it makes me feel to never see my husband. It was all about me. My day was about what I could do to alleviate my loneliness. And especially now that I am pregnant all I think about is my body and how tired I get.

I was so focused on ME and MY relationship with the Lord that I was completely blinded to everyone else's needs and desires and hopes and pains. I have hurt my children with my quick harsh words. I have neglected to take care of my husband because I was tired and wanted to be served instead. I missed so many moments with my girls because instead I wanted to ignore my pain and zone out on the internet.

I desperately need the Lord. He is so good and he has allowed me to be in this desert so that I could learn to lean on him and him alone. He is my rock. He will never leave or forsake me. He is my daily bread. I was starving myself...trying to eat rocks instead.

I repented and have changed my ways. It has only been a week but it has been the best week I have had in almost a year. I am clinging to the Lord because I don't want to be lonely anymore. I don't want to wallow in self pity anymore. I don't want to be self absorbed and lazy anymore. I said early on in our marriage, I would rather die young and tired having lived a full and fruitful life than to live long but complacent and apathetic with no fruit to show. I want to work hard unto the Lord and my family. I want to be giving and loving. I want to give more than take. And I really really really want to be joyful. I love smiling and laughing especially with my girls!

I am walking day by day girding my loins and working unto the Lord. I know I will probably fail again but I am so thankful for God who forgives and accepts me. He loved me and died for me before I loved him, how much more will he give me now that I am following him. His grace is sufficient!

Anyways, like I said its okay if no one is listening. I just had to say it. I want to get it out there even if it is jumbled and hard to understand. Maybe some day some lonely mama who is having a really rough time will read it and be convicted the way I was. I hope so. I am so thankful to that beautiful woman for not just posting gorgeous pictures of a life I want, but for posting the reality of her life and her heart. And for sharing something that is so hard especially when so many look up to her. I want to be humble like that and honest. So here goes.

Birthday Weekend

So yesterday was my birthday! Woo Hoo! Another year older,

And what did we do for my birthday...

We busted our butts to get unpacked and organized and we got soooo much done! Our trailer and yard actually looks a home now.

We did go out for sushi for my birthday the night before and we were going to go to a really cool tea house that I have been wanting to go to but its closed on Mondays :(

So now that the piling heaps of crap have a home I can get back to working on a new normal :)

I've got an Earth Day event coming up really soon for Norwex that I am really excited about.

Then I get to work on our garden!!!! EEK, I am so stinking excited to work on our garden. Much more on that later.

Just wanted to write a quick post so I wouldn't have to update about this weekend later...and I a def under the time limit in case you were wondering.

Have a good Monday!!

Moving In

Okay here we go, 30 minutes on the clock. Hehe this is fun.

So, like I said yesterday we received our trailer a couple of weeks ago.

Two days after it being delivered, I left for Oregon to surprise my best friend Brittany. They recently just moved which was very hard for both our families and I had been dying to go see her. So her husband and I crafted a plan to make a surprise visit! And it worked! We had just gotten our trailer so she had no suspicions that I would be sitting in her living room when she got home from shopping! I'm just glad I didn't give her a heart attack!

We had a Blast spending good quality time with our friends, but we had to leave Papa behind so we really missed him. But Sammy and her son were reunited and had so much fun getting to play with each other for a whole week!

We came home and were then thrown into a whirlwind of sickness :(

First Sammy had it and it seemed like we were in the clear but a few days later Dakota started showing signs of a cold. I kept thinking she was on the mend until Friday when she hit her worst day. She slept the whole day and would only wake up to cry for a little bit then would fall asleep again. I was monitoring her temp, diapers, and feedings. Her fever was gradually rising and she refused to nurse and wasn't peeing. So I obviously was starting to get worried.

We started talking about maybe taking her to the doctor. We don't go to the doctor unless there is something going on the actually needs medical care. Most sickness and injuries can be dealt with at home without medication but we do know that sometimes medical is necessary and we were wondering if we were getting close to that point.

I called a 24 hour nurse hotline through our insurance to ask their opinion and they said yes to go to the ER. We were still debating because we just kept thinking,"What are they going to do" We were mostly certain that it was just  a cold and their isn't anything they can do for a cold except treat the symptoms with medicine which could just prolong the sickness. But after getting off the phone I retook her temperature and her fever had spiked from 102 to 104 in half an hour. That along with her lack of nursing and peeing was enough for us to pack up and make the trip to the hospital.

It was an incredibly frustrating ordeal! When we got there they checked her temp and gave her ibprofin. I thought for sure they would send us back right away since she was so sick and so little. But nope... we were sent back out into the waiting room for SIX HOURS!!!! Meanwhile about 50% of the people in there were using the ER like a doctors office for non emergency needs. It was so frustrating because here we are with a legitimate emergency but we have to wait for a ridiculous amount of time in a germ infested room with our very sick infant because you don't have insurance and so you use the ER like a doctor since they can't turn you away. I know this opinion could ruffle some feathers but seriously that isn't what the ER should be for.

Okay rant over...

Finally they took us to get x-rays on her chest and after another hour of waiting they took us back to see a physician. And she told us what we already knew (which was actually quite a relief!) She has a cold and because she is still so young her body is having a harder time fighting it off. Just keep nursing as often as she will allow and watch her closely for any dangerous symptoms. And then they sent us home.

I am very glad we went and ruled out that anything serious was happening but it is going to be a very expensive visit I am sure. Almost a week later and she is much much better. Still has a lingering cough in her chest and a runny nose but she is smiling and laughing again. Oh and her little temper is back :)

Back to moving...

So because of all the sickness and traveling we haven't finished moving in to the trailer but today thanks to one of my dear friends I made good progress. And my husband has cancelled all our plans for the weekend so that we can focus on getting everything done before the owners come home for the wedding season. 

Got 2 minutes left ...

So much more I wanted to say... We should be in and getting back to a new normal very soon! 

I know it looks like a yard sale but it is actually progress!

First 30 minutes...

So I had this idea today...
I have really been wanting to get back into blogging but since I have been gone for so long I have no idea where to start. And my family is so important to me and I already have some many balls I am trying to juggle but blogging is so fun to me. I love reading about how other people live their lives and taking bits of advice from them and incorporating it into mine. The thing with blogging though is that like facebook and other social media sites it can be a life suck! Instead of actually loving life all we are doing is trying to document it and reading others documentation. Because I have been helped and have learned a lot from other women's blogs I know that they can be great resources so I don't think I want to chuck the whole thing entirely. Not to be read in a prideful way but I have a lot of info and experience in certain areas in my life that I think could be helpful to other mamas. But not at the sake of my faith, husband or children.

So (now is where I get to my point...) I thought what if I created a blog but I only allow myself 30 minutes a day (or at a time on really slow days) to work on writing for the blog! 30 minutes goes by fast so I won't be able to spill all my deepest secrets but its long enough that I can get my point across and keep it interesting.

So here goes.

Timer is set. As of this moment I have 22 minutes left :)



Let's see, well right now I am sitting at the kitchen table in my new RV that is our new home. I have got my 4 month old in my lap trying REALLY hard to touch the computer and I am looking out the window to this beauty playing in the dirt.

Yum spit up running down my arm...

I guess a really quick catch up from my last blog...Samantha is now 2 years old and completely potty trained! EC has been great. I can't remember exactly what month she was pretty much done because it wasn't like an overnight experience but its been a few months now that she is dry all day except for the very rare accident from being too far away from a potty. She is wetting the bed occasionally now though which is a bummer but better that than during the day!

Also since my last blog, We had baby Dakota!

Eating our pizza box!

She is now 4 months old! Gosh time goes by so fast! She is an awesome little girl and Sammy loves her so very much!

We just moved a couple of weeks ago onto a 6 acre piece of property rent free! In exchange my husband is taking care of the land for the owners who are living in Colorado right now. They have weddings on their land so it needs to look nice each week! We are saving up to buy our own peice of property so we can homestead :) Can't wait for that day!

Also I started my own business with Norwex as an Independent Sales Consultant. If you have no idea what that is, we are a green cleaning company. We sell microfiber cloths that clean your home using only water which is SO much better for your home, family, pocketbook, the environment, and your time. I absolutely LOVE what I do and am very excited to get it going again. I have been in a slow month because of the move.

Currently our yard looks like we are having a yard sale and we really need to get it organized before wedding season so instead of chillin out with family this weekend we will be working hard to put away all our crap! But I am really excited to finally get it done so we can move on to better things like...

Gardening! There is a huge plot of area for a great big garden and I am so excited to get my hands in that dirt! We are also going to be getting chickens :) But one step at a time.

Well I still have 7 minutes left, I think I'll use the time to make this look a little prettier than just a white page.

Stay Tuned :)