I am not a very good blogger...obvisouly since who knows how long it has been since my last post. But I have been going through some intense times spiritually lately and I really felt like writing about it so here goes.
We have been living in a desert. My husband told me one night that the meaning of the city we are living in literally means desert and I think it is no coincidence. I don't mean we are living in a dry sandy place I mean that there is absolutely no community, no fellowship. It feels so incredibly lonely here and as I am on the ending of this little journey I think it is right where the Lord placed me because this is how I have been feeling spiritually as well.
We live in 6 acres of beautiful land. The owners rent out the space for wedding because it is gorgeous. When we first moved here I was so excited to be on land and out of the city but as time went on I realized it isn't all its cracked up to be. The city (it actually isn't even a city) we live in only has a tiny post office, a little mart like a 7-11, and a bar. That's it. There is no community. No one works here, everyone commutes. The closest city is 7 minutes away but it is really small (although not as small) and then the next is 15 minutes.
Actually none of this is that important to what I really want to say. So to wrap it up, lets just say I am lonely. My husband has worked soooo many hours this year and was paid for about half of them! Which is stressful in itself but more frustrating was the little amount of time we had with him. Compounded by the lack of community and fellowship I became Lonely with a capital "L".
And in my heart I couldn't feel the Lord. I felt abandoned even though I knew I wasn't. I would read the word and it would be so dry. I would cry out and feel nothing. I would sing and be uplifted for a moment but my heart was the same. Dry, dry, DRY! I would get to a point of desperation and talk to my husband about (more like cry to my husband) and he would cry and pray with me and give great advice which would help for a time but my attitude was just ugly and pitiful.
I began to become angry, especially with the girls. My patience was much thinner and the little things could set me off. I would always feel so bad and of course I would apologize but the next day I would get inpatient again. It was so frustrating.
The best I could describe how I felt was depressed. I hate that word because I don't want anyone telling me that I should go on medication. The problem was in my heart and in my attitude.
I blamed my friends. We were once part of such a strong community that quickly fell apart but I assumed our friendship would remain but even when I would reach out and tell some that I wasn't doing well they just looked at my like that was unfortunate and never pressed the issue. But it wasn't their fault for my attitude. They couldn't change the way I felt even if they did pursue me more.
Then we found out my husband would be transferred to a new job a couple of hours away and we would need to relocate. It is such a blessing and answer to prayer but in order for it to work he has to go out of town every week and work while we stay in the "desert"...alone. The first week wasn't so bad but it got worse. Now I really was alone with the girls 24/7. I love my girls but I was/am desperate for fellowship with other believers! To take my husband away was the last straw. He was the last thing I was holding on to to keep my head above the lonely waters. Now I was sunk.
And I had to reach out to the Lord. Those first couple of weeks did not go well. I am ashamed of the amount of time I spent trying to hide from the loneliness by watching shows and playing games on my phone. I wanted to be numb...but of course that never works. Last week I got so sick of myself and I cried out to the Lord. I thought maybe I should fast media, but then I thought, if I fast (which I have done so many times in the past) all I am doing is avoiding my issue and I will find another way of escaping. And once it is over I will go right back to it again but I haven't actually overcome, just avoided.
So I prayed and asked the Lord to help...and he did. It didn't feel miraculous or anything. He led me to a blog (go figure). The author is a Christian mother I admire and she happened to have been writing lately about her past and some of the hard times she went through. One of her post was called "The Me Monster" and oh man did the Lord convict me.
So here it is... the moment that has changed me. I am selfish and lazy. You have no idea how hard it is to say that. Laziness especially has been something I have despised about my youth and tried really hard to change but ultimately by ignoring it I fell into it one slow choice at a time. My depression was all about me. How I felt, how the kids made me feel when they made yet another mess. How my friends made me feel when they never call. How it makes me feel to never see my husband. It was all about me. My day was about what I could do to alleviate my loneliness. And especially now that I am pregnant all I think about is my body and how tired I get.
I was so focused on ME and MY relationship with the Lord that I was completely blinded to everyone else's needs and desires and hopes and pains. I have hurt my children with my quick harsh words. I have neglected to take care of my husband because I was tired and wanted to be served instead. I missed so many moments with my girls because instead I wanted to ignore my pain and zone out on the internet.
I desperately need the Lord. He is so good and he has allowed me to be in this desert so that I could learn to lean on him and him alone. He is my rock. He will never leave or forsake me. He is my daily bread. I was starving myself...trying to eat rocks instead.
I repented and have changed my ways. It has only been a week but it has been the best week I have had in almost a year. I am clinging to the Lord because I don't want to be lonely anymore. I don't want to wallow in self pity anymore. I don't want to be self absorbed and lazy anymore. I said early on in our marriage, I would rather die young and tired having lived a full and fruitful life than to live long but complacent and apathetic with no fruit to show. I want to work hard unto the Lord and my family. I want to be giving and loving. I want to give more than take. And I really really really want to be joyful. I love smiling and laughing especially with my girls!
I am walking day by day girding my loins and working unto the Lord. I know I will probably fail again but I am so thankful for God who forgives and accepts me. He loved me and died for me before I loved him, how much more will he give me now that I am following him. His grace is sufficient!
Anyways, like I said its okay if no one is listening. I just had to say it. I want to get it out there even if it is jumbled and hard to understand. Maybe some day some lonely mama who is having a really rough time will read it and be convicted the way I was. I hope so. I am so thankful to that beautiful woman for not just posting gorgeous pictures of a life I want, but for posting the reality of her life and her heart. And for sharing something that is so hard especially when so many look up to her. I want to be humble like that and honest. So here goes.
